From Sound to Silence

I am not afraid of many things in life, probably because I’ve survived so many, relatively speaking, horrible incidents.  But recently, something frightening has been happening.  I have lost my voice – twice – within a short period of time.  I know for many this is a seemingly insignificant event and probably low on a top ten list of things to worry about as compared to, oh I don’t know, Afghanistan, hydrofracking, or the latest Washington scandal (I really wanted to believe Rep. Weiner).

But when your doctor, a renowned diagnostician who has treated many an opera singer, cantor and Broadway vocalist in her day, uses words like “scope”, “polyp” and “surgery” if you’re me, anyway, you go from feeling a plucky Polyanna to a jaded Joe Gideon in All That Jazz steadily sliding from denial to fear to anger.

We all have reactions to the “what if’s” in our life.  Imagine being a writer and being told you have a problem with your hands that could prevent you from typing.  Envision the life of a painter who is told she is losing her eyesight?  And so I too persevered through a long list of “what if’s” this week, mentally and emotionally preparing for an appointment that would allay my fears or confirm my worst nightmare.

What if the way I have defined my entire career and existence, professionally and personally would need to be altered? Would I ever finish and release my CD, be able to offer another D.I.V.A. program or officiate at weddings, life cycle celebrations and past life regression sessions?

And let’s not overlook the obvious.  I am a single mother supporting two kids on solely independent contractor income.  If I cannot use my strongest, best and most active part of what make me ME then what would I do to survive and take care of my kids?

In life we look for constants to feel secure, and the one that I have is my voice.  I have sung, cried, spoken, taught, meditated, led, laughed and lived and in the end how I share all of this, heal myself and those around me is by using my voice.

Notwithstanding these very real concerns, I think I was missing the point.  Am I going to allow my tweakiness to keep me spinning instead of grounding?  Tsk-tsk.  You’d think by now I would know how to prevent myself from feeling so out of control.  Maybe this was, once again, the Universe, asking me to walk my walk, test my resolve and deepen my sense of knowing who I really am.

It’s not the physical form of expression that defines me.  What lends beauty to my soul’s song isn’t the pitch or timbre.  It’s my spirit.  It’s the message, teaching, sharing and most of all, the love, that makes the impact.  And this is the same truth for each and every one of us, no matter what we do or how we do it.

We are all capable of being, as my friend Ariane coined it, change experts! If somehow I ever lost the ability to express myself through one medium, I would appropriately mourn the passage from one way of being and move on to cultivate another.  I would do what I always do, rise to the occasion, take a deep breath and ultimately, find another way to share my voice.

Because this much I know.  No matter what, I will never give up, and never be silenced.


10 Responses to From Sound to Silence
  1. Jenn Deutsch
    June 12, 2011 | 9:32 pm

    Hug! Your voice will always be strong whether you sing or write or talk. I have confidence all will be fine and you will come through with flying colors. Will be thinking of you as I know this is worry and scary and rightfully so! Sending love and support as always. And that is all I can say. I right now am giving what little strength I have left to you.


    • Diva-Mama
      June 13, 2011 | 5:08 pm

      How did I get so lucky to get so much support? As always, back at ‘ya!

  2. Lisa
    June 13, 2011 | 9:24 am

    I feel ya, Sister! And prayers of peace, comfort and healing are in the airwaves from my coast to yours.
    Love you! L

    • Diva-Mama
      June 13, 2011 | 5:07 pm

      Thank you my singer sister! And a big ps Halleluyah! My recent vocal woes were due to overuse (an outdoor festival, conference, audition video, three life cycle services, two receptions and a wellness fair on top of my usual daily routines with two kids and not enough sleep . . .). Panic aside, thank you Universe for the reminder . . . and a good lesson.

  3. Joy Sikorski
    June 14, 2011 | 6:47 pm

    You rock! You can heal this thing. I believe it! I have lost my voice in the past too and I make my living from my voice. And I was a single mom too.

    “What lends beauty to my soul’s song isn’t the pitch or timbre. It’s my spirit. It’s the message, teaching, sharing and most of all, the love, that makes the impact.”

    The power to heal your voice is in your words and your thoughts.

    Keep your pretty chin up and stay focused on your healing.

    With the best of thoughts sent your way,

    • Diva-Mama
      June 14, 2011 | 7:36 pm

      You are so right and I DID! But what a powerful experience it was rolling through the fear, reality and relief! What makes it all so much easier to bear is my wonderful cyber community and sister-support! THANK you for your kind words and encouragement.

      • Joy Sikorski
        June 15, 2011 | 4:12 pm

        You are most welcome. And I want you to know that I shared your post today with a voice student of mine who totally got what you were saying.

        So your spirit continues to encourage others and I am happy to be getting to know you!

        • DivaMama
          June 15, 2011 | 9:24 pm

          Joy, the pleasure is all mine and I am SO glad that our voices are connecting and supporting each other in our journeys. Isn’t that what it’s all about?

  4. Hadley Dinger
    February 6, 2012 | 8:06 am

    Thanks so much for the blog. Great.

    • Diva-Mama
      February 6, 2012 | 9:24 am

      You’re welcome, Hadley. I appreciate your reading and commenting here.

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